Growing up I was always considered a bit "rough" around the edges and in a sense I was a tomboy who loved girlie things. Ironic huh? I loved nothing more than climbing trees with my older brother, playing cricket, throwing the Frisbee and then playing in my room full of dolls. I remember my favourite doll Drowsy whom I refused to be separate from. My uncle Gee had bought her back from the States as a gift. I climbed trees with Drowsy wrapped in my baby sling made out of my jumper. (Who would have thought 30 years later that baby slings would be the fashion statement for the yummy mummies and I could have made millions if I had made the prototype!)
I digress..I was raised to have an opinion and to say what I wanted to say but manners were the most important thing. To compress or zip my 40 years of existence into one blog entry I can safely say that I was and still am an opinionated, foul mouthed, loud but polite woman!
My entire teens and twenties I was unsure of myself, I felt like a loner and secluded myself from the world as I realised that by being on my own no one could harm me. being like this hardened me up and I had massive imaginary brick walls surrounding me. I kept people and by people I mean everyone at arms length and subconsciously had the "Don't fuck with me" attitude plastered all over my face. I felt different as I didn't like the "boy-bands" that my friends liked to listen to I liked faster, harder, louder, angry music. I liked to read whilst my friends liked to go to the mall and try to pick up boys. I liked to watch European movies whilst my friends wanted to go clubbing. I was (and still am) obsessed with drinking copious amounts of coffee whilst my friends drank themselves stupid on Midori and Lemonade.
I found it extremely difficult to make friends with like minded people, which in turn left me secluding myself from my friends and kind of shutting myself off from them as I had NOTHING in common with them! There was not ONE single thing that could make my friends bond with me. Don't get me wrong, these friends at the time were lovely, truly lovely people but we, or I, was on another planet far removed from them. I was "different" from them and no matter what I did I couldn't fit in no matter how much I wanted to. Which in turn left me feeling odd. I was the freak. Which then made me angry. Angry at my friends, angry with my family, angry with the world.
Looking back now that i have hit 40 it has made me realise that just because my "oddness" or "quirkiness" wasn't relate able to my family and friends that was why I was so angry. Such a wasted energy being angry all the time but alas my anger is what has bought me to where I am at now I guess. I always ask myself if I had the power to go back in time, knowing what I know now, would I really and truly change a thing? I really think I wouldn't. The mistakes I have made, the lonely days I spent, the angry days I had have made me who I am and for the first time in 40 years I finally feel comfortable in my skin. I am happy with who I am, who I have become and I feel liberated. I feel alive.
I believe a lot of being finally comfortable and happy within has got to do with finally meeting the love of my life and marrying my husband. For once someone other than my sibling and parents loves me for me and there is no more empowering feeling than being loved unconditionally, totally and wholly. My husband whom I will refer to as "The Husband" from hereon in stimulated my mind, broke down my barriers and stripped me raw emotionally and for that I feel so blessed and happy that he found me and chose me.
I'm 40 and finally an adult, I best rephrase that, I was an adult when I hit 18 but now at 40 I truly feel like an adult with a voice and with a voice that matters, but you know even now at this age I miss my baby doll Drowsy. I hope that I can find another Drowsy when and if I ever have a baby girl so she can have as much fun and adventure as I did with her. Its funny how something so silly like a Drowsy doll encompassed my childhood and to this day still takes me back to happy childhood, carefree times.
DH
xoxo
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